December 03, 2012

I am not sure how to begin this, seeing as how I am not exactly in my chipper, “Let’s blog!” mood. Not that I am in a bad mood, either – just a…non chipper one. Mellow, perhaps? Contemplative….definitely.

Things here are…different. Changing. Or, maybe, they have been different for a while, but it’s taken a while for the realization to hit? I don’t know.

Before I go further, this is not a blog about some…huge, earth-shattering thing. Which is why it’s so intriguing to me, I guess.

I am just becoming more aware of an infinite number of small, seemingly insignificant changes going on all around me. Individually, these things would hardly be noticeable…but there are just a lot of them. It makes me think of the story about boiling a frog. You know, you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in cool water and bring it to a boil gradually? It kills the frog because the temperature change is so slight that the frog doesn’t feel it. Ok, so the whole killing thing doesn’t really translate – I am not being melodramatic or anything, all of these changes aren’t bad – it’s just the analogy that most describes how I am feeling about my life, I guess.

Lots of little things, all happening gradually, and then one day it’s like, BAM! Epiphany.

I think I can credit the catalyst of realization to my decision to start working out. (I almost wrote “working out again” – but that’d be a lie. I haven’t worked out consistently in…pffft. Since middle school probably, high school at best. Who am I kidding?) Anyway, even “working out” seems a little understated. More like, I chose life instead of death. Death by obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and junk [food].

I am not going to turn this post into some huge weight loss success story (I’ll save that for another day…ha). But, it seriously HAS had a huge impact on my life. I don’t know what made me wake up. I was just tired. Tired of feeling like crap and being exhausted all the time. Not just physically tired, like from not sleeping…but tired from exertion. Out of shape. Lethargic.

And I thought about that quote about the definition of insanity: “The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results.” I wasn’t happy with how I looked, felt, or much of anything, really, so – by God’s grace – I did something about it.

And, from the discipline it’s taken for me to go to the gym 4 times a week, I have also become more focused and disciplined in other areas. I feel like I have a lot more clarity about…well, everything. Like I can think straight.

Yeah, I’m still tired. Still getting 5ish hours of sleep a night. Still going 110% all the time and feeling like I am moving at a snails pace in terms of accomplishments. But somehow now I am content with that, because I am doing my best. We – Jared and I – we are doing our best.

And it’s a good time. I am learning a lot. A lot about myself, a lot about my relationships with people. Old friendships are changing…some for good, others, not so much.  New friendships are developing. It’s all good, but pretty heavy. Yeah – not to sound like a stoner or anything, but heavy is a good word.

A lot of days it’s all I can do to stay afloat. I feel like it’s a miracle when Jared gets home from work and I have met the needs of both girls and the house isn’t in flames. Jared works 11+ hour days, and he gets home and we are both exhausted, and try to keep our eyes pried open so that we can give the girls attention for an hour and then I’m off to the gym. And when I get home, it’s bathtime and bedtime. Boom. Then, Jared and I rack our brains to see if there is anything urgent we need to discuss, we kiss each other goodnight, and he goes to bed and I come back downstairs to tidy and do dishes and laundry. And, while I am scrubbing the stubborn food off of that dish, staring into the sink, I blink and think, “What just happened? Where did that day go?? What did I DO today?”

Then, when I lay down to attempt to sleep, my brain begins to rattle off my to-do list. Which leads, inevitably, into contemplating things like God’s sovereignty, justice, and the meaning of life, etc. And then? Well, what do you know! It’s 2:51am and I am up blogging.

That’s what I am talking about. I don’t really FEEL that much busier than I have ever been. Do I suddenly care about things more? Or do I worry too much? Or, am I just excessively, unnecessarily reflective as I age? Who knows???

Not me, that’s for sure.

I am just trying to take baby steps. One week, one day, one hour at a time. I am trying really hard to slow down and savor everything. It’s all kind of overwhelming – adulthood, life, whatever – and it’s really easy to just go through the motions and not think.

I guess that is what all this contemplation is about…trying to find the meaning in everything: incessant appointments; late-night, barely coherent pillow talk about our to-do list; changing diapers; dancing with the girls in my pajamas to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack; paying bills; eating “cookies” (read: puzzle pieces) that Piper baked in her “oven” (read: fisher price barn).

Ultimately, every day I feel the weight pressing down on me. Not in a bad way, just…there. A lot of it is good weight. But it’s still heavy.

So, after all that ambiguous rambling, I am going to leave you with some recent images that make my heart feel more light than heavy.


(all images taken with Fuji X100)